Where Self-Sabotaging Behavior Comes From
Question for ya:
Why would you set a goal, and then actively work to make sure you don’t achieve it?
Why would you try to stop yourself from getting something you’ve been trying to get?
You wouldn’t!
So why do we do that?
Well, we don’t.
No, I imagine you’re thinking…
“But Gabriel, isn’t that the definition of self-sabotaging behavior — and didn’t you say everyone self sabotages?”
It is, and I did.
But there’s something that no one else is talking about when it comes to self-sabotage…
Humans can have more than one goal.
Isn’t it true that we can want two things that are polar opposite?
- We want to watch TV and eat whatever we want, and we also want abs
- We want to get a promotion and be recognized for our hard work, and we want to cut back on hours and spend more time with our family and friends
In fact, every human not only wants things that are polar opposites — they need them.
The 4 Universal Needs
Every human has 4 needs.
These needs must be met in order for us to function in any situation.
These needs are…
- Certainty
- Variety
- Love/Connection
- Individuality/Significance
Let’s break these down.
(PS. If you self-sabotage in a relationship, it’s not because you don’t want to be in the relationship or have some big emotional problem you need to work through. The reality is, you simply have competing needs).
- Certainty
We all have a need for certainty.
Have you ever had an area of your life be so uncertain that you couldn’t focus or get stuff done?
Maybe it was a relationship that was always rocky, maybe your work was potentially downsizing, maybe relationships with family members were tense or tenuous…
There is a base threshold for certainty that everyone needs in order to function.
- Variety
Now, because God has a sense of humor, we also have a need for Variety (or uncertainty).
We want things to be certain, so create routines for ourselves (so that we feel certain about how things will go).
But after a month or two of doing the same things over and over again — driving the same roads to work, sitting at the same desk, having the same conversations with the same people, eating the same foods, driving the same way home, sitting in the same couch…
What happens?
We feel Stuck. Stagnant. Mind-numbingly bored.
Why is this?
Because we have a need for variety.
Tony Horton (Creator of P90x) would always say, “Variety is the spice of life.”
That statement is more true than he likely realized.
- Love/Connection
These next 2 needs are where self-sabotaging in relationships plays out.
We have a need for love and connection.
Let’s look at what happens in a relationship.
In the beginning, all you want is to feel close to this person.
You want to feel connected to them.
So you spend as much time as you can with them, doing everything together. You eat together, play together, reach together, sleep together — everything.
And then after a few months, what happens?
You start to feel…
Suficated.
You say things like, “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
And, “Wouldn’t it be nice if I could just do my thing for a while?”
You start to feel stifled by this other person.
The one you thought was your everything is now smothering you. What’s a girl/guy to do?
You withdraw — and find someone new. And then repeat this pattern over again.
How many of you see this pattern in your own life?
I know I have for years…
What’s happening is your need for Connection/Love and your need for Individuality/Significance and at war.
I’m gonna address how to work through this battle later in the article. But if you don’t wanna wait, click here
- Individuality/Significance
We all have a need for Individuality/Significance.
We all need to feel like we matter.
This is a basic human need and it’s hard for us to put our needs aside in order to have a connection with others.
Everyone pursues these 4 needs, but as you can see, each need is a polar opposite need…
So what happens when these needs clash?
This is where self-sabotaging comes in.
In a romantic relationship, the need for connection leads you to lean into the relationship, and your need for individuality/significance leads you to withdraw.
How does your mind/body determine which need wins in the end?
That’s dependent on your values, beliefs, and triggers — which we’ll go into at the end of the full article Here.
But here’s a quick teaser:
Your values are the emotional states you believe are the most important to avoid or to move towards. Values are the general direction we pursue to meet those 4 needs listed above.
Your beliefs determine whether or not you’ve achieved the value or met the need.
Your triggers are anything that causes a reaction.
This is an excerpt from my latest article,
“Stop Self-Sabotage For Good: A 4-Step Life Plan + FREE Workbook”
